I made it through the holidays without bouncing checks (ie incurring an overdraft fee).  I must admit this new relationship to money feels great, although I felt uneasy, like being on new training wheels.  Am I doing this right, I asked?  And the Universe responded with an awesome sense of feeling supported in this endeavor.  That’s the key here – feeling supported.

I opened my new Wells Fargo savings account on New Year’s Eve.   I wanted to get that out of the way before the holiday and have it set-up for this week so I can put my checks in.  The employers can do direct deposit but my clients can’t always pay electronically.

I am much more eager to know exactly how much is in my account and how it’s all being posted.  That means looking almost daily at my accounts.  How does this leave me feeling?  I think the word I’d use is “empowered” which is definitely how I felt the energy shift into 2010.

If you aren’t there yet, don’t worry – plenty of resources around here to help you get started.

This week I will be able to finish closing out my Chase bank accounts.  While they did remove that one overdraft charge, as promised, I simply don’t trust them anymore to hold my money.  I realize that my new habits would prevent some of the same issues that occurred before, and yet, I feel much more confident I won’t backslide (or they won’t post in weird ways) as a customer of another bank!

For some immediate help with your money this year, check out Morgana Rae’s Financial Alchemy workbook and financial empowerment products at http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/?af=1102231

Obtain her Financial Alchemy workbook – one I have been using for 3 years now to organize your planning for 2010 – it is a unique process that Morgana takes you through during the year and it primes your mind and changes your relationship to and thoughts about money. It’s an excellent tool.

The workbook and CD have been invaluable assets and my mindset has changed dramatically since I started, I do not think I’d have this blog or other aspects of my business in place – including my coaches training – without Morgana’s help and guidance.  I’m happy to be a Financial Alchemy affiliate, as well.

The holiday season has come and gone and we’re in a new decade.  I let go of so much at the end of last year and I bet you did too.  I think of it as “cleaning house” even if my house is my own mind.

I dealt with deep feelings of grief over the loss of my dog and as each new step of working with money differently came to fruition, so did all the hidden feelings I was keeping down and expressing through poor money management!  Yes, we express feelings through our money and the way we speak about it and how our bank accounts look directly reflect those feelings we aren’t dealing with.

I finished my 2010 Magic and Manifestation Board – a vision board of images and words that express to me what I want to bring forward this year.  I started the process last year with great results – many of the images I had posted came true in the course of 2009!

This year I plan for some BIG things – moving to Minneapolis/ St. Paul is top on my list.  I have enjoyed my trips so much that I really see myself both working my business and living my life in the twin cities.  I am not sure exactly how this is going to take place, yet but I trust that my mind and my vision will get me there in the easiest and quickest way possible!

I hope 2010 brings you great things in your art and visions.  May we move away from “Starving Artists” and become whole, creative and thriving ones instead!

Two things happened today – I caught my old bank, Chase red-handed with that thing I knew they were doing but couldn’t prove they were doing AND my direct deposit was moved to the new bank, giving me even more leverage.

Last week’s move to become less vague and more on top of my financial picture paid off handsomely even though it wasn’t quite in the way I had pictured it.

What happened, you ask?

I developed that Excel spreadsheet that tracks my week’s income and expenses in a colorful and dynamic way.  I was able to visualize easily for the first time my budget to expense ratios and know exactly on a minute by minute basis what I have in the accounts.  I’m finding it fun instead of laborious and my inner child likes the use of color…

Because I had not been spending any money in the last month, paying off that humongous overdraft, I had finally caught up with the online exchange of money to purchases.  I went into Quicken, updated manually because Chase had done something weird to the system and I could no longer download onto the old version of Quicken.  I was able to get my online balance and my Quicken balance to match exactly – something that I hadn’t been able to do in months!

Everything I had paid for was input, the charges had stopped and the money flow was exact to the penny.  I then began the process of switching banks – this was easy as INGDirect is so well set-up and easy to use and you can open a checking account online with as much money as you want to put in there to start.  Granted, it is not a bank where you can make manual deposits but since most of my income comes from direct deposit, it works, for now.  I will need some sort of manual deposit account though in the future.

I had some expenses to go through last week and had about $40 left for the weekend before my next paycheck.  Making these adjustments, I believe led to me lose the contract I had with my last position during the same week I had been beginning my new program.  Why do I say this?   All of this work is shifting “energy” in the form of money and time.  When I started to shift into living from a heart level in my banking and beliefs around money, it shifted my situation at work too.

Normally, this might seem like a huge set back, however, I hadn’t been happy in that position for some time.  The atmosphere was draining and the negative emotions surrounding the place had been affecting my moods so much I often came home angry and upset.  This was not the place for me!

My seasonal job at BabyGap has turned into my only source of income for the time being but I am much happier – go figure!

In the end, I spent a little here and there over the weekend and then had an unexpected expense crop up.  I had planned to pay my $106 Verizon bill the following Tuesday but found the phone cut off during an important situation on Saturday, when I basically needed my phone operational.  I made the informed decision to make this one time charge, knowing it would go through on the overdraft.

I knew I was almost out of cash – well, I guess one charge going over couldn’t be that bad – at least it would be reasonable to pay off and then close the account right?

Come Tuesday, my paycheck went through to my new bank – good news!

When I went to the Chase account to see what happened with that one charge – my jaw dropped as I was now not $95 overdrawn with one $33 overdraft charge – but overdrawn to a total of $264!

Upon further investigation of this, I found that all the charges I had made – starting Friday night – $2.55 for a Starbucks Mocha and then the few things from Saturday – $4.10 at Peets, $20.20 at Union76 & $8.55 at the pharmacy….totaling a measly $32.85 – still remaining under balance…had gone through AFTER the Verizon bill – which was made last!!!

This enabled the account to go under first and achieve a whopping FIVE overdraft charges totaling $165.

Nice one Chase…nice one.

Yes, it is happening…and on purpose.  I’m not crazy!

The BIG difference this week – my income – money coming in DID NOT go to pay this overdraft debacle…

Even more satisfying – I have the receipts and the evidence needed to walk into Chase and ask them WTH is going on with their posting scheme.

Also, since I have been posting these blogs, I already feel the tide turning –even if ever so slowly.  Friends of mine feel much more empowered in handling their cash and the banks….you go people!

What’s next?  I am actively pursuing leads for positions in start-up companies where I feel most comfortable working – in family-like environments.  I am still working for the agency although with the holidays may not hear back from them until the New Year.  BabyGap, is a great part-time job.  I’m also continuing to build The Malevolent Empress – the book is awaiting cash for the distribution and potential coaching clients show up all the time.

My coaching skills are excellent – I move people from point A to point Z and they dynamically change their lives – I have seen it happen and I enjoy the work.  Eventually, this will be what I do fulltime.  In the meantime, I am learning how to eradicate starving artist syndrome permanently and forever from our vocabulary!

It’s freezing in my office.  I need an extra sweater but didn’t even think to put it on this morning.   I was stuck thinking ahead to tonight when I train on the register at my seasonal retail position.  I feel out of time and out of sorts.

Last night, I created the most beautiful and dynamic Excel spreadsheet I’ve seen in a long time – the purpose, to easily monitor and track my budget to spending ratios.

I’ve used Quicken for years and always reconciled my register.  Still, this did not stop me from losing complete control of my finances – oh, who’s kidding whom, here – I never had real control…

Now, with Mom over my shoulder we looked at my loan payments due and the upcoming bills, along with the income currently in the account and made choices about what to pay, how much and when.  In the end, it left me with hardly anything until the next paycheck but we knew cashflow would be tight while I paid off two month’s worth of bills and set my new checking account up with IngDirect.

Just having Mom over my shoulder was uncomfortable; I was opening a boundary I’d heretofore kept shut.  I had to give up my illusion of control to move forward and bringing Mom in to help with my financial situation was the choice that made the most sense.

My dreams last night came hard and fast.  What did I dream about?  I dreamt I was running around trying to find answers for “why?”  It’s true that in the last few months I have had a series of dreams involving a particular person where I was “searching” for him in various locations and circumstances.  I eventually would find him or “catch up” with him and a great love spilled forth.

I am not speaking of “romantic” love here…I find that people all too often like to reduce the vibration of “love” by making it sexual.   It’s uncomfortable for many people to see LOVE as an energetic paradigm and love energy as something that flows freely amongst people.  The term “unrequited” love makes me cringe – what the hell does that mean anyway?

It is used to refer to a situation in which one person loves and the other does not return the affection, as though love for loves sake is irrelevant or loving is somehow bad.

Wouldn’t it be more relevant to see that someone who blocks the flow of love in their life is the one who is unrequited inside.

Love and sex are two different things.  At the soul level, love is the energy force that moves EVERYTHING…it’s not just a cause for romance.  Our soul level contracts and agreements are vital to our spiritual growth and development. Love does not die and is not represented by one person or situation.  Love returns to us again and again.  The only thing that ever makes us feel we don’t have it – is our disconnection to source energy.

When someone physical in our life blocks the flow of love by making it about them – the feeling of “unrequited” or “break-up” is the feeling we have when we sense that the flow of love has been restricted or blocked.  We momentarily choose to become disconnected from source at the moment of impact.  It feels like dying – at least it does to me, as I have a heightened awareness of love energy.

Back to the dream – last night I was calling psychics and running around asking “why?”  I was finding no answers.  I called the friend who left without saying goodbye recently.  When he picked up the phone, he was happy to hear from me.  I felt instantly relieved.  I asked him why he had left so suddenly.  In the dream he tells me that he felt an exceeding amount of pressure to “commit” to love and it wasn’t for him and he’d rather just go around not caring that deeply about anything or anyone.  Then he said something that was garbled either by the phone connection or his not speaking clearly. I said, “What?”  He hung up on me!

I knew then that the answers would not come from him either.  He had nothing to provide in the dream, neither did any of the psychics or psychologists or gurus.  The answer to this question of “why?” was not one they could answer.  This was about my relationship to Spirit and no one else could do the work for me.  I was on my own with the Goddess and she and I had some stuff to work out.

This is the issue that is up for us now.  The starving artist is not just starving for money.  Money just represents the energy of life. If the energy of life is cut off, and the energy is Love, then the logical next step question is:  Why am I blocking the flow of love in my life?

Why is my friend playing the part of the unrequited, blocked heart?  What’s the worst thing you can do – leave without saying goodbye — as though the friendship and the love and shared history mean nothing?

If we are co-creating here – I have to ask myself why this result?  Why now?  I am facing the worst feelings that surround the lack of money flow and prosperity in my life — my very own disconnection of source energy that I have carried like a rock for how long now – lifetime after lifetime?

I repeat the same story over and over.  The friend leaves without saying goodbye.  I never get resolution.  I die.  We start over again.

Do you ever feel this way?

And how the hell am I going to change this Story so there is a happy ending?  If I am here to help creative artists and visionaries live in empowered Love – with flow persistent in all aspects of creativity and prosperity –then I need to change this old Story.   I must take my empress sword and cut through the illusion of what, in the end, has time after time blocked the flow of love.

I just can’t do it alone.  This Story is a collective vision.  We must change the vision together.  Tell a new story.

Back to the dream (the one I haven’t had yet), this time I run into my friend on the street– he does not hang up or run; he is receptive to a conversation.  He is not running from me and I am not searching.  We are both healed within ourselves.  Flow is persistent and actionable.  We go grab a drink at a place with great live music.  The music flows within us too, finally.  He’s stopped running from Love and accepts its flow in his life. I’ve stopped blocking love and my bank account is reflecting that.   I can pay for the drinks.

We are neither of us Starving Artists.  We do not gamble or fritter our resources.  We are truly within our power.  People around us feel it and feel much safer.  The musician playing is making a living at his art.   People see my friend and I together and wonder if we are a couple or married.  What they think doesn’t matter.

It’s more important that True Love is not named or just about a contract or a box that makes people comfortable.  It flows and IS without restriction.

We live in prosperous flow in the Universal Energy of source.

This is NOT a fantasy.  It is not a joke or something I just say to be funny.  I believe it’s possible this can be TRUE and is TRUE.

Let’s make it happen – Together.

This week marks the end of the horrendous overdraft and the beginning of what’s next?

My feelings have surfaced about money and continue to surface and I am dealing with all of this in a multi-dimensional way.  I think it’s the only way to change ones relationship to money.

The Universe is responding to these changes by bringing up issues of responsibility and conflict.

I am conflicted about what’s going to happen Wednesday when I get paid and I actually have some of my paycheck left in my Chase account.  My old M.O. would be to not think much on it or think that it wasn’t going to be enough and try to pay as many bills as possible.  I would leave just enough and then find out I wanted to meet a friend for dinner where I’d spend the rest of it.

Then Chase would find a way of spending into next week’s paycheck with payments coming in just in the right timing to be overdrawn…

I had no real power, I only thought I did.  Classic starving artist syndrome – Why? Because now I could be angry that my book wasn’t getting published and the world didn’t support my upward mobility as an artist.  I wouldn’t say this out loud or even to myself but I think it’s what was seething under the surface.

Last month I paid no bills myself.  I am doubled up on just about everything.

Still, I am working through my feelings of deprivation and don’t want to discount that some meetings and choices may be good for me to balance with just the bill paying.  In addition, I have to take the long-term approach with the shift from one mind-set to another.

Wednesday I will open an account at a different bank other than Chase, requiring me to spend some of the paycheck just to open the new account.  On Friday, I’ll be able to fax in my direct deposit change form along with my timecard and that process will be on its way.  I won’t cover every bill and won’t avoid every debt collector call but at least I’ll be on my way to taking my power back.

I start the 2^nd job at Baby Gap on Monday as well, when I attend their 4 hour training.  I wish my business was in a place to sustain me but it is not.  The abundance and shift point will need to come from these other areas for a time while I continue to set-up otherwise successful networks and finish my book project.

My book is the closest it’s ever been to actual publication.  I simply have to purchase the ISBN number and complete the distribution process.  After I do this, which may require a week or two, the book will be published on the Amazon and Barnes & Noble listings – which will take another eight weeks to filter through their approval processes.

I couldn’t say the same thing last year at this time.

This time last year, I couldn’t travel anywhere, didn’t have a passport and spent the holidays chatting online because no one was around to share them with.

Improvements have been made – passport is ready to go, I am publishing my blog on my own website and I just helped a good friend move to a better living situation yesterday.  If she can have her own place, so can I.  I have also traveled twice to Minneapolis this past year and once to LA.  Not so shabby really.

I have been watching Abraham-Hicks on http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php

Esther Hicks channels Abraham and it’s been fascinating to watch the video clips.  She spoke in one of the clips about how we avoid the vortex – the energy of complete co-creation – by making it both hard work and by doubting the possibility of doing it at the same time.

I decided to play with the concept of something being available to me anytime I was ready by stepping into the Vortex.  When I let my mind go, I found my ego right there giving me strange signals of – oh that’s a nice video and all but, that won’t happen to you that easily and a sinking feeling that it would be far too easy and she must be lying to me.

I see.  I can see clearly and feel it, even.  I have to sense the Vortex and be willing to jump and so far, I’ve been hanging on the edge.  Well, folks, I think I am just about sick of holding on and listening to that voice.  What’s next?

I’ve been thinking about the nature of money and finances lately.  I am working on changing my relationship to money in some pretty dramatic ways…

The creative artist set is often heavily entrenched in “starving artist” syndrome.  If money and our relationship to it relates to our emotions, we are clearly collectively not thinking too highly of ourselves.

Maybe we are more sensitive than others to the way of things.  We create our work in whatever medium from feeling into and expressing the energies that swirl around us.  And the world is going through financial upheaval right now.

Still, it seems that many artists never rise above living paycheck to paycheck.  They often never make a living at their art – instead working jobs that drain them or take too much time to really allow for full artistic expression.

Like a lot of change, my shift came at the hand of some immediate drama that propelled me to face old habits and the direction those habits were taking me.  I’d tried unsuccessfully to master the art of money management instead winging it or using methods that seemed to work for everyone else but not for me.

The first thing that shifted this pattern into view was the change from the defunct WAMU to Chase Bank earlier this year.  Just about the time they were changing the signs on the building, they began changing the way they handled the accounts. At first it was sinking realization that there was less money in my account than usual or what I thought should be there was not.

Even when I managed my Quicken – I couldn’t get the two accounts to match correctly.  It became a battle of time and my wits.  Then I had to travel to Minneapolis to further my business goals there.  I survived on the will of the angels with the breath of the devil down my back (and I don’t even believe in the devil!).

I returned home only to discover the overage on my account had blossomed from a few hundred to over a thousand overnight.  The illusions of self-determination and having a handle on my money crumbled.

I’m now in a program run by own mother that includes a spending plan, a change in banks, and a close monitoring of every penny I spend.  Except, because I’ve had to work three weeks to pay off my overdraft I still haven’t gotten to close my Chase account.  It will happen however, but not before those guys get a piece of my mind.

I have been chatting with people of all shapes and sizes, many of them artists on the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle, and all of us are suddenly finding our former WAMU accounts blasted with overage charges and late postings on paychecks and deposits. And from my conversations, Chase is not the only bank pulling these crazy shenanigans.

They may not admit to this publically, but for those of us in this position, it’s clear they are doing it on purpose to pay for the mortgage crises or the bonuses that their top execs are making.  There is a calculated and difficult to prove shift in how they run these accounts and we are paying the price in abject poverty.

Problem is while their actions border on criminal, I can only blame my poor money management skills, in the end.  I thought I faced every unexpressed feeling from my family background and unearthed my self-determination gene – but still, something remains.

I often wonder if what remains is not just my own unexpressed fear of not being good enough and the deep shame that comes from choosing a career path that is not like the rest of my peers but that of all artists, everywhere.

Sure there are the “successful” exceptions to the rule but even those artists with money are plagued with patterns of self-abuse, relationship issues and egotistical expressions.  It’s not simply the making of and having money but the way it is used too.

Whatever the issues – they clearly need to be addressed personally and collectively in order for us to move ahead as a group.  I believe wholeheartedly we’re going to have to discuss it, bring up our deepest shameful experiences and once and for all choose to become stronger.

There is no need for an artist to be starving or not make a living.  If we are co-creating this Universe we are in, which is entirely abundant, than our litany of excuses why we aren’t making a living at our art are just that excuses.

I am not blaming anyone here or saying that your struggle is somehow just going to be better if you pump yourself full of affirmations.  This is a complex paradigm and won’t change overnight for the most of us.  If my Mom’s program of independence works, it’s still going to take me another six months to really see the benefit in its entirety.  My deep work on money and self-esteem started with my healing crises in 2002.  This was no overnight success but a series of breakthroughs leading to maybe a point of no return.

I hit bottom and finally got something I hadn’t realized before.  If I continued allowing Chase bank and my own inner child to run the show, I’d surely be stuck pushing a cart in downtown Palo Alto.  My art would amount to painting “Help” on a sign and sitting in front of the Whole Foods begging.

I put my ego and what was left of my pride to the side and asked Mom for help.  She has money and manages it wisely.  I think she has a technique.  It works.

My hope is that going forward, we’ll all be able to be fully realized and compensated artists, healers and visionaries or whatever combination thereof that you are.  I think we can do it.  We can’t do it alone.  We’ll really need to start expressing the Truth about money and our own Truth.  We have to be willing to grow-up and take responsibility.  We have to allow our creative child to help us paint or make music rather than throw a tantrum in our bank account.

I look toward a day when kids can say, “Mom, I am going to paint for a living,” without hearing something like, “Well, dear that’s an awfully hard career to make money” or, “Wow, well painting is a nice hobby honey…”

I hope you do too…