The upheavals and changes on the planet most recently defined by the earthquake in Japan and the shifts in middle east politics left me feeling like I was dying last week.  I couldn’t explain this in any other language.

I was on my knees, it seemed emotionally or spiritually.  I could see that others were also…it seemed like the perfect time to go to my mentor Deena Metzger’s blog and homepage to see if she had some words of wisdom.  She didn’t disappoint.

She had written a letter on her page in a call to action to build sacred communities – that the visions she was receiving from Spirit had suggested, perhaps that the next Buddha indeed would not be an individual but a group of like-minded/hearted folks.

I mentioned the idea of a Sacred Council of women to my friend Paulie and she jumped on the idea, immediately suggesting she could email a group of friends to invite them.  By Saturday’s full moon (not seen in Minneapolis due to weather conditions) we were sitting at The Healing Loft in Minneapolis, calling Spirit and weaving a Story.

We wove a Story of heartbreak, heartache and deep survival.  I witnessed and participated in a transformation so profound, I have no words yet to describe what I felt and saw.

We entered into our Full Moon Goddess archetype and created powerful intention.

We awakened to a new world, one that Deena terms the 5^th World, when we let go of our participation in the old ways, the ways that kept us separate and hurting and embraced instead the idea of Sacred Community.  I fell in love with six other glorious goddesses and embraced a new intention.

I spent the rest of the weekend learning how to officiate curling events.  I can’t see my role in community-building without acknowledging, once again, the awesome lessons that the community of curlers has given me since I started curling in September.

They pulled me from the suffering of rejection and disconnection, and brought me together into wholeness, once again placing me on the path of Sacred Community.  I fell in love with granite rocks and ice and opened my mind to new frontiers.  It’s been an awesome journey and bittersweet now that the curling season is winding down in favor of sun and better weather.

I can sense spring has arrived, as we celebrate Ostara and the Full Moon has lit up our horizons.   The god of time and space has moved the wheel of the year once more.  We are celebrating new births on so many levels both within and without while becoming more than we ever expected.

What is your biggest challenge now to letting go of your participation in the old ways?  How can we follow the No Enemy Way and embrace the concept of All Our Relations.  What do we want to create now that we are thinking so differently?

I am struck, once again by my connection to The Captain.  His presence was felt so strongly at the 10^th Anniversary of Transmission show held at First Avenue on Friday night.  He might as well have been dancing in the room there with me.  I kept searching the crowd for him.

Instead, I embraced the energy of his participating in the re-balancing of Gaia.  I felt the anxiety and deep emotion of the last week melt away into the ground as I danced with people in close proximity sharing love and the love of awesome music.  Men and women just simply enjoying the vibe and I realized that I could recognize so many faces in the crowd from my Twin Cities life…

It was an awesome testament to the sheer audacity of moving here a year ago this week.  Yes, it’s been a whole year — an amazing year.  A year marked with heartache and treachery as well as graceful and amazing community.  I feel embraced by this place.  I feel at home.

The Captain is shifting also – moving, perhaps.  Internally, externally…hard to say.  I can sense the flow changing between us and yet I do not know where it leads, just yet.  Deena Metzger says to embrace not knowing.  I struggle with this concept sometimes.  I struggle with it, in particular when it comes to The Captain.  I don’t want to impose my wanting and yet, I have to acknowledge it exists…

I was dancing with him energetically, could see his face, even on Friday night.  Felt his presence after our Sacred Council and even today.  I just can’t feel his physical presence…

If we are indeed re-balancing the Sacred Masculine/Feminine archetype through our amazing connection, then what is the grand purpose of this separation or feeling separate, physically speaking.  And what is the Sacred Medicine that will bring him home, to rest?

I can see that in not knowing, I will embrace the pathless path…onward.  Another day, another year has begun.

There is an awesome quote by Abraham-Hicks that goes like this:

The reason that anybody you know, even you, has ever misbehaved, ever, even one time, is because you have not been feeling your power. And you have been trying to make up for it in some way that really is impossible.

Where, when you are in sync with who you are, AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Then the cells of your body are all communicating, you’re thriving! Your mind is sharp, you’re clear minded, you have balance, love is flowing through you. The best of life is a vibrational match to you, everywhere you go, doors are opening. People who are watching you are wondering what magical power you have.

And even though they won’t understand it when you say it, it’s the power of the vortex, the power of alignment. It’s the power of synching up with who I am. It’s the power of being real time, present tense, tuned in, tapped in, turned on to the frequency of ALL that I have become. It’s me, full on, full blown. Me full ON!

That’s what this power is about, you see.

San Diego 8/21/10

We often in this world feel we have to take action based on our “feelings” about things.  While using intuition and feeling is a good practice, the difference in whether our actions will lead to positive results is really in the basis for those feelings.  Are they coming from being tuned in and tapped in to “the vortex” where all things are possible or are they coming from a feeling of fear, lack, powerlessness?

Do you see how different life would be if you were making choices based not in negative and low vibrations but in knowing that you are perfect the way you are and so is everyone else?

We aren’t here to teach other people lessons because we know better or have gotten it sooner than they did.  We are not here to project our own fears onto others and make them bad.  We are here to create and enjoy our natural environment in all its beautiful and varied glory.

I love music and dancing.  While living in the Twin Cities I have attended many different music shows and DJ nights.  I have often run into some of the same people in these venues who clearly are also enjoying the music as I am.  What I have noticed, however, is that the connection between us (i.e. liking the same music/venue/life in the Twin Cities) can be interpreted in one of two ways – a clear recognition that we are connected in the power of music and may indeed see each other around town at the same venues to share in the moment, dancing, laughing and raising the energy (vibration) of the place OR, from a position of fear/powerlessness.

In the moment particular people feel fear/powerless as part of the vibration of the position they are in, they have been taught to take action to mitigate the fear and it is here the problems begin.

Some will try and control others through putting them down (making snide comments about dress/appearance/sexuality).  Some will suggest that a person they see more than once is there because of some desire to follow them around (i.e. making themselves more powerful by being in the victim place), or they will simply and effectively shut them out altogether.

In the end, the emptiness that grows from the step of taking action while being out of the vibrational vortex leads the person who is taking the action further and further out of the vortex.  They essentially become more and more uncomfortable, and disconnected from their own Truth .  The continued blame game becomes a sword that is not being address to other (the projected upon party) but into their own system…unmaking them as they do it.

All the while, they keep wondering why their life is getting worse…as though someone outside of them is in charge of this when in fact it is their own actions that are creating the vibrational anomaly.

If we are in the Vortex – aligned, feeling powerful, feeling the connection to the source of all that is – we can see others as they are meant to be seen – as a part of us.  Everyone and everything becomes a source of magic!

Our fellow humans may not be our best friend but they are in our space making their way in the world, creating their own picture and getting on with things as best as they can.  They aren’t to be feared but enjoyed, and sometimes whether it turns into a long-lasting friendship or just an enjoyable dance – we can connect with them and expand in ways that we weren’t expecting when we bumped into them.

Are there areas in your life where you could be more tuned in – tapped into the Vortex?  Are there areas where fear and feelings of powerlessness have led you to taking action that only lead to more of the same result?  How can you address and adjust your vibration in the moment so that you can take action from a position within The Vortex rather than outside of it?

I attended the Roy Ayers concert at the Dakota Jazz Club in Minneapolis on July 28th.  The show was breathtaking and fun and Roy is a showman of some ability.  I think the crowd appreciated his performance.  I sometimes find myself inspired to write while at shows.   Here’s the product from last night’s show.

Umbrellas

I

Love like umbrellas
Sliding in a drink
Little fingers
Coy glances

Dirty touches
Feathering my skin
Screaming ecstasy
Electric lights

Warm glow
Over a glass –
Syrah

II

Embroiled steaks
Medium Rare
Beauty like a
Red wine

Bloody sacrifice
Darker, stronger
Scanty meetings
Meaningless misunderstandings

III

White shorts
Blue striped shirt
Man from the sea
Salty

Like waves of ocean water
Sort of boaty
Escaping tall buildings
Single look over shoulder

Tawny bricks
Dakota neon sign
Escalating rhythms
Lifting me to the sun

IV

Seeking a soul
Pretending
Not looking

Third eye, perhaps?
Wisdom
Pasadena sunshine

Power of the mind
Creating
Exploding

Universe within a universe
You know
Believe

V

Jazzy sax
Up down
Thingy

Movement
Syncopation
Heartbeats

Unknown curves
Footballs
Quarterbacks

Allowing
Love
Playing a note

July 29, 2010

A friend told me today that she was working on seeing people in a completely new way…as complete with their highs and lows, quirks and annoying habits as well as all their positives.  What a thought pattern change.  The shift enabled the other person to come more fully into their complete selves rather than act out roles or projections of others and some mutually satisfying results ensued.

What would life be like if we just became more open to the possibilities instead of living in limitations and skewed viewpoints of how things “should be.”  Maybe your friends or relatives don’t always act with the best intentions but who cares?  Neither do you.  Life is not black or white.

You’d be much better off if you can see what your friends are mirroring for you.  If there’s something you don’t like or that annoys you – what about that behavior is speaking to a part of you that isn’t being seen or recognized?  Guess what – it’s never about the other person…

Moving to Minneapolis has been challenging for me, to say the least.  Not everything has worked out perfectly, and some things like having my ring stolen from my hotel room, were downright violating.  I could have used that as a sign that things just weren’t meant to be, packed up my stuff and gone back to my comfort zone.

Except if I remember how boring my comfort zone had become before I chose to come to Minneapolis on this adventure, I might think again.

Friday I went to the Eitel building on Willow for L’Etoile Magazine’s Imagination Mechanism event.  I ate dinner at the Loring Park Kitchen dusted off with one of their yummy pomegranate martinis.  A girl could get used to this life.  The wait staff was really friendly and made me want to stick around for more but I had business to attend to up on the rooftop next door.

I can picture it now – cool apartment in the Eitel building and dinners/martinis at Loring Park Kitchen.  No one has accused me of dreaming too small.

All the fashion peeps from the Voltage show were there including Emma Berg wearing something ostentatiously frilly and fantastic from her collection with blue shoes (ok, I am sure there is a much more specific color to insert here such as teal?).  There were others with carefully selected vintage and still others with fur and fun baubles.  It’s all good at an L’Etoile party, I can see that now.

Still more fun ensued as we watched first hand the makings of the photo shoot L’Etoile has posted to their blog now (see link on the sidebar of this one) and our inner artist children all had way too much fun cutting and pasting magazines, creating our own fashion shoot layout storyboards.  Woo hoo!

Saturday was raining here in Minneapolis on and off.  I took Death Trap Suzie – the shared apartment bicycle – out to the lakes for a bit of toodling around the local bike trails and waterways.  I found it extremely uplifting and relaxing to eat my tuna fish sandwich, carrots and Doritos by the lake side while watching someone else fish.

The homes around the lakes made me consider living there too, someday.  I could totally see myself with an in home music studio for singer-songwriter parties, fashionable BBQs held in the outdoor kitchen and as my friend Luke said, once a month metal jams so as not to leave out any of the local metalheads.

(Insert pic of new home construction here)  – when it’s all ready to go I’ll invite you over for a soiree.

Saturday night I bussed it down to Washington. The bus driver went right past my stop, causing me to have to walk down Hennepin even longer than originally expected, and all the way down Washington to Club Jager (in heels!).  Please don’t try this sort of foolishness, especially when it begins to drizzle.  I grew up in England so a spot of rain doesn’t bother me as much as it might you.

People were already busting a move on the dance floor with Attitude City minus Karl and substituted handily with Ben Hribar.  I was accused of being the DJs girlfriend (yes, I answered, I’m girlfriend to both — best they don’t realize they made a polygamous commitment without knowing it), had my foot stomped on and my teeth almost knocked out (by the couple who was swing dancing into everyone) and given hugs by complete strangers.   How much more fun, exactly could a girl have and still be wearing clothes?

Circling back to openness… I know I’d like to get it all done, and all done now.  No doubt if I were to practice a bit more with my magic wand, I might just be able to do it.  Still, I only just saw Minneapolis for the first time last July and here I am sitting in the uptown Dunn Bros writing blogs.  What can I say?  I’m an over-achiever.  Come on, you know you are too sometimes!?

While you most certainly can’t do everything – there are so many things you can do.  While there are people you might not impress no matter how awesome your dance moves, your skill at writing or how electric your smile is, there are so many who will enjoy what you do and open their hearts, minds and souls to the gifts you bring forward.

No matter what people seem to be “doing” or “not doing” around me there is a place in the cosmic web for what I do.  Maybe I don’t always like what’s in the now but I realize there’s a complexity there, a Story where I am not always reading all the words, but could be.

I don’t give up too easily.  I just keep showing up knowing that with my open heart and the awesome love I have for the world filled with music, I just might win the hearts of even the most stubborn of you!  And if I don’t — I am having a damn good time without you.

Friday, I got the bug to go to Voltage, the MNFashion Week kick-off at First Avenue.  I had been thinking about it for weeks but held off on buying a ticket until the last minute.  I hopped on Jazzy’s 10-speed and wound my way down to the train station – yes, it’s quite far – to add money to my Go Card so I could get around that night.

This exercise in not having a car and using only public transport sure has been interesting.  I have a ZipCard too but so far everywhere I need to go I’ve taken the bus or train.  I wonder, though how feasible this plan will be in the dead of winter.  Of course, I am probably not the only one without a car in the Twin Cities so if other people can do it, so can I, I reason.  Besides, it’s almost summer and winter is a long way away.

Biking down Lake St West is easier said than done.  Minnesota laws may allow for a bike to take up a full lane of traffic but in practice, you’re likely to get run over.  The cars whizzed by me as I teetered on the 10-speed, which I realized too late didn’t have handlebar breaks.  The one gear is also a bit tight.  The 10-speed thing is just “in theory if the bike was set-up to switch gears.”

I made it to the midtown station and back then headed down Lyndale to Treehouse records.  Somehow, I’d manifested the tickets still being at the record shop.  “Wow, usually First Avenue picks up the tickets much earlier,” the cashier says to me.  There was a man right behind me who wanted the same thing – a single ticket to Voltage.  Weird.

Jazzy, who runs the Twin Cities Radio and an apartment building in uptown, has been my saving grace in the cities so far.  He offered a place to stay; lets me borrow his crazy bike and hands out sage advice on surviving here.  He’s very clued in about the music scene, the best places to hang out and we can talk for hours about nothing in particular while he chain smokes.  What more could a girl ask for in this adventure?

If I had my own apartment right away I’d miss out on the advice and the opportunity to crack jokes about Jazzy’s eating habits (he shops at the local ez-mart and I shop at The Wedge.)

I catch the 4 into town and enter the long line on 7^th street where all the fashionistas are patiently waiting for the First Avenue doors to open.  Since we’re fashionable, we’re also cold.  The girls who stand behind me in short dresses and sandals are shivering to death while waxing lyrical about the perspective which allows such an evening to be possible – “At least it’s an early spring in Minnesota and it’s not 30 below right now as is usual for this time of year.”  Yes, quite.

We finally enter First Avenue with the anticipation of school girls on an outing.  I separate from my line mates and start scoping the venue to see what’s happening.  The difference between tonight and all the other times I have been here is the long stage which has been erected in the middle of the dance floor replete with VIP section.

When a dude sporting a walky-talky came asking if any of us shivering folks were VIPs we joked in line.  I told the girls next to me we’d be VIPs next year so we could avoid waiting in line.  They laughed through chattering teeth but I think I am serious.  I head over to the area of the club reserved for merchandise.

I see well-heeled folks perusing the racks of designs from the show.  The idea of wearing these clothes is quite appealing.  My seasonal position at Baby Gap allowed me to shop The Gap and Banana Republic at a significant discount, vastly improving my wardrobe but these racks are clearly many steps ahead of even those fashion statements.  I pick-up a very odd bracelet and think – I know it’s cool, if I were someone else.  After all, taste is personal as well as collective, right?

I have been reading L’Etoile Magazine blogs and Facebook posts for months.  I am eagerly anticipating finding out who the people are behind the headlines.  I particularly enjoy the LOL/OMG blog pages titled “Gossip from the Seedy Underbelly of the Twin Cities Social Media Circuit.”  It’s hard to imagine that the Twin Cities has a seedy underbelly consisting of anyone in this room.   It’s way too fashionable for one.

I wind my way over to stage left and locate myself at the foot of the long stage right next to the photogs.  Little did I know that I would end up being able to take good photos from that angle (at least I think they are good).  I was more concerned at the time with being able to see the bands clearly.  Go figure.

As the house lights dimmed for the first band, “Blue Sky Blackout,” and I watched the VIPs take their seats, I was struck by how cool it was that I was actually in attendance.  I’d dreamed about such things ever since I started realizing through my Facebook connects that Minneapolis had it going on in a way that made it clear to me that I just had to be there – all the time.

The highlights for me of this evening of song and fashion included the feisty songstress Mayda, the sweet fashions of Danielle Everine – at least one of her ensembles I covet and want to wear – and the sea of people all around, dressed in their own unique styles and representing the fun and eclectic nature of the Twin Cities social scene.  I am in love with all of it.

Each of the designers and bands had something to offer and all were inspiring.  Whether you agreed with their design sense or not, you couldn’t help but feel you’d be forever changed by the experience of knowing these folks had worked hard at taking inspiration into reality.  I know the process – I published a book on the 31^st of December.  I knew I was in the midst of kindred spirits.

The Voltage Fashion after party at OM Restaurant was equally as thrilling.  I found myself strangely ravenous at midnight after the show, and wolfed down some tasty morsels presented on the after hours menu.  The beef kebabs were flavorful as were the French fries presented in a cone shaped basket with just a hint of spice.  Bach Pham spun records on the first floor while Voltage attendees filtered in from the chilly night to drink cocktails, dance in the empty fountain and finish off Voltage 2010 with a bang.

The bouncers had trouble herding us diehards out of the fountain as we bumped and grinded to various tunes, some dancing with glasses of wine in hand sloshing about dangerously like a wind tossed boat.  By the time I got to sleep at 3am, I felt like my initiation into the seedy underbelly of Twin Cities society was complete.  Now will any of the photos I took from the base of the fashion stage qualify for entry into the LOL/OMG blog pages? 

The view from Dunn Bros on the corner of Bryant and Lake in uptown affords a certain insight into the nature of the city.  Somalis in full headdress walk confidently in groups past my window and only a few seconds later, a dancer walks by with face glitter and short shorts.

Last night, a performer from the Bryant-Lake theater crossed W Lake Street wearing cutout paper wings and a bird beak hat.  I have also noticed the large number of bicycle shops and bicycles.  People are most definitely enjoying the wonderful spring weather in Minneapolis.  A hard winter has left them eager to burst forth like spring buds full of energy and fervor.

I hear from my friends in California that the spring there is wet and wild with storms.  The reservoirs will fill up and there will be little talk of droughts this year, I am certain.  The political gambit used to justify water rate increases will be hard-pressed to sound legitimate after such a wet couple weeks.

Friday night, I attended the crowded First Avenue, on a whim, only to discover that the band that night was the venerable “Trampled with Turtles.”  If the band name isn’t cool enough, their full band style bluegrass transplanted me squarely into a barn raising party of a more modern sort.  My energy was low that night, after the wine party at Nectar in Osseo.

Nectar is a new wine bar located on main street.  The owner Kevin and the bar manager, Justin put on a great show that night with the added bonus of a visit by the Barnett Winery winemaker, David Tate.  His locutions on his philosophy and style were most intriguing and his wines flat out the best I have tasted in a long time.  I could tell that David was a man who puts a lot of love and attention into his craft.

Kevin did an excellent job too of pairing the wines with the food courses ranging from a scallop over avocado touched with just the right amount of hot sauce to a succulent and beautifully tender braised short rib.  I was full and happy at the end of it.  If you reside in the Twin Cities, it may seem like a trek to go all the way to Osseo for wine and food but DO IT ANYWAY is my recommendation.

Back to Minneapolis.  I attended the First Avenue show and then slid into the newly revamped “Record Room”, formally the VIP room, for the after show DJ set.  Loved he wall mural and new décor and hope they do more.

Heading to the Record Room is always fun especially when ones motto is “there is just never enough dancing.”  A group of someones who weren’t even there to listen to or dance to the music, it seems, held court in the back of the room smoking a joint and stinking up the place something awful.

I really wish people didn’t do that with the supreme unconsciousness that the rest of us care to smell it or breathe it in.  I realize that pot smokers will leverage a stream of justification for lighting up on the dance floor but for those of us who neither smoke tobacco or pot, the smell is unwelcome.  That’s my soap box and I am sticking to it.  Go outside!!

The rest of the weekend was spent lazily walking Lake Street and Hennepin to get to know my new position.  I got a tarot reading with Amanda at Eye of Horus Metaphysical Bookstore and she hit all the major points.

Seems I am exactly where I need to be and the rest will start falling into place.  This may seem like it would be easy to say to anyone but I know she’s right because it concurs with not only my own intuition about things but also some of the channel work I did in the last few weeks.

I also got to go shopping at The Wedge co-op.  The healthy foods and even healthier vibe is exactly what I needed to start feeling more at home in Minneapolis.  And home, it seems, it is beginning to be.  Who would have known such a thing from my original blogs from last July when I was just visiting to attend the Attitude City Yacht party.

As I build my business here and build my life, I will try to stay out of trouble *cough cough*…er, ya.  While I search for work and build my business, I am enjoying the experience of just being.  This is a rare thing sometimes in a world centered on “doing” as the major modus operandi.

As artists and visionaries we may find ourselves feeling guilty for meandering and experiencing.  We can become jaded and blocked by other people’s expectations and projections.  It’s often good to take a step back and realize that good art comes directly from being IN IT…In the experience of life.

I find that from my table at Dunn Bros I can produce my connections and my writing with the hubbub of life in the Twin Cities going on around me.  It’s a beautiful thing.  Wherever you are on this planet, there are places you can experience rather than do.  There are methods such as Julia Cameron’s (The Artist’s Way) suggested “morning pages” to release all the projections and negativity.  You can BE wherever you are and in the end your art and visions will be best served.

Quite a weekend folks, if I say so myself.  Seems the consensus is in and 2009 either “sucked”, “was a bad year” or “was hard/difficult/up and down” – whatever the descriptor you used, I haven’t heard that 2009 was anything but a year people were glad to see the back of!

Now that we can agree on this (for the most part), it seems people have high hopes for 2010.  I for one feel that the energy is rocking and moving and shaking – literally and figuratively.  In California, we had some earthquakes this past week, some of us are planning literal moves sometime this year and most people see change (in a good way) in 2010.

Friday evening was kicked off in style, with the return of Matthew Hansen to the stage at Blake’s in Berkeley, California.  Much later, when we write Matthew’s biography about his early years in the music business we will most definitely be adding Blake’s as one of his early “homes.”  Seems Matthew is well-loved EVERYTIME he plays there.

Matthew has been working hard on his material – we know of him as none other than a consummate showman and hard-working guitarist.  He has put considerable time into honing his craft and it shows, of course.

He is slowly working on his first album project, all eagerly anticipated by his adoring fans, his music producers and the people who have worked on the record in some physical capacity.  I know from personal experience these labors of love take WAAYYYY more time than you ever thought and the year you think it’s going to be done is usually well-underestimated.

Still, having wrapped up production on my own collection of short stories and poetry, which I began as an idea in 2005 I know the feeling and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am now in the very beginnings of the promotion phase with my project – you do get there in the end!  Working diligently and never giving up is my motto for artists everywhere….you will get there.  Whenever Matthew does release his record – we’ll be waiting.

I understand that the cover photo for the artwork was taken Friday – a group shot involving some lovely ladies and dare I say it?  A crotch grab.    Ok, well…maybe he can include that one in the liner notes.

I continued my weekend by attending an all women “Moon Lodge” in San Jose with my book editor Mika.  We both performed our co-creation ritual with the group, met some lovely ladies and established our desire for spirit in all of you in 2010.  I found it very nurturing and beautiful, if not a bit daunting.  After all, I tend to be a lone ranger with my creations…coming into a sacred space and spilling my heart desires out has always been a bit nuts for me.  Still I am at peace and between my vision board and my powerful rituals to start off 2010 I am feeling that great vibe even more.  Plus, the power of one mind is certainly increased when a group is holding your vision sacred too!

Here I go out in the world with my creations – a new website forming around this blog, a move in the works to another state, no less and my book.  What are your creations, wishes and endeavors for 2010?  Go out and make them possible.  If you need help holding a vision – let me know – it’s one of my favorite things to do!

It’s freezing in my office.  I need an extra sweater but didn’t even think to put it on this morning.   I was stuck thinking ahead to tonight when I train on the register at my seasonal retail position.  I feel out of time and out of sorts.

Last night, I created the most beautiful and dynamic Excel spreadsheet I’ve seen in a long time – the purpose, to easily monitor and track my budget to spending ratios.

I’ve used Quicken for years and always reconciled my register.  Still, this did not stop me from losing complete control of my finances – oh, who’s kidding whom, here – I never had real control…

Now, with Mom over my shoulder we looked at my loan payments due and the upcoming bills, along with the income currently in the account and made choices about what to pay, how much and when.  In the end, it left me with hardly anything until the next paycheck but we knew cashflow would be tight while I paid off two month’s worth of bills and set my new checking account up with IngDirect.

Just having Mom over my shoulder was uncomfortable; I was opening a boundary I’d heretofore kept shut.  I had to give up my illusion of control to move forward and bringing Mom in to help with my financial situation was the choice that made the most sense.

My dreams last night came hard and fast.  What did I dream about?  I dreamt I was running around trying to find answers for “why?”  It’s true that in the last few months I have had a series of dreams involving a particular person where I was “searching” for him in various locations and circumstances.  I eventually would find him or “catch up” with him and a great love spilled forth.

I am not speaking of “romantic” love here…I find that people all too often like to reduce the vibration of “love” by making it sexual.   It’s uncomfortable for many people to see LOVE as an energetic paradigm and love energy as something that flows freely amongst people.  The term “unrequited” love makes me cringe – what the hell does that mean anyway?

It is used to refer to a situation in which one person loves and the other does not return the affection, as though love for loves sake is irrelevant or loving is somehow bad.

Wouldn’t it be more relevant to see that someone who blocks the flow of love in their life is the one who is unrequited inside.

Love and sex are two different things.  At the soul level, love is the energy force that moves EVERYTHING…it’s not just a cause for romance.  Our soul level contracts and agreements are vital to our spiritual growth and development. Love does not die and is not represented by one person or situation.  Love returns to us again and again.  The only thing that ever makes us feel we don’t have it – is our disconnection to source energy.

When someone physical in our life blocks the flow of love by making it about them – the feeling of “unrequited” or “break-up” is the feeling we have when we sense that the flow of love has been restricted or blocked.  We momentarily choose to become disconnected from source at the moment of impact.  It feels like dying – at least it does to me, as I have a heightened awareness of love energy.

Back to the dream – last night I was calling psychics and running around asking “why?”  I was finding no answers.  I called the friend who left without saying goodbye recently.  When he picked up the phone, he was happy to hear from me.  I felt instantly relieved.  I asked him why he had left so suddenly.  In the dream he tells me that he felt an exceeding amount of pressure to “commit” to love and it wasn’t for him and he’d rather just go around not caring that deeply about anything or anyone.  Then he said something that was garbled either by the phone connection or his not speaking clearly. I said, “What?”  He hung up on me!

I knew then that the answers would not come from him either.  He had nothing to provide in the dream, neither did any of the psychics or psychologists or gurus.  The answer to this question of “why?” was not one they could answer.  This was about my relationship to Spirit and no one else could do the work for me.  I was on my own with the Goddess and she and I had some stuff to work out.

This is the issue that is up for us now.  The starving artist is not just starving for money.  Money just represents the energy of life. If the energy of life is cut off, and the energy is Love, then the logical next step question is:  Why am I blocking the flow of love in my life?

Why is my friend playing the part of the unrequited, blocked heart?  What’s the worst thing you can do – leave without saying goodbye — as though the friendship and the love and shared history mean nothing?

If we are co-creating here – I have to ask myself why this result?  Why now?  I am facing the worst feelings that surround the lack of money flow and prosperity in my life — my very own disconnection of source energy that I have carried like a rock for how long now – lifetime after lifetime?

I repeat the same story over and over.  The friend leaves without saying goodbye.  I never get resolution.  I die.  We start over again.

Do you ever feel this way?

And how the hell am I going to change this Story so there is a happy ending?  If I am here to help creative artists and visionaries live in empowered Love – with flow persistent in all aspects of creativity and prosperity –then I need to change this old Story.   I must take my empress sword and cut through the illusion of what, in the end, has time after time blocked the flow of love.

I just can’t do it alone.  This Story is a collective vision.  We must change the vision together.  Tell a new story.

Back to the dream (the one I haven’t had yet), this time I run into my friend on the street– he does not hang up or run; he is receptive to a conversation.  He is not running from me and I am not searching.  We are both healed within ourselves.  Flow is persistent and actionable.  We go grab a drink at a place with great live music.  The music flows within us too, finally.  He’s stopped running from Love and accepts its flow in his life. I’ve stopped blocking love and my bank account is reflecting that.   I can pay for the drinks.

We are neither of us Starving Artists.  We do not gamble or fritter our resources.  We are truly within our power.  People around us feel it and feel much safer.  The musician playing is making a living at his art.   People see my friend and I together and wonder if we are a couple or married.  What they think doesn’t matter.

It’s more important that True Love is not named or just about a contract or a box that makes people comfortable.  It flows and IS without restriction.

We live in prosperous flow in the Universal Energy of source.

This is NOT a fantasy.  It is not a joke or something I just say to be funny.  I believe it’s possible this can be TRUE and is TRUE.

Let’s make it happen – Together.

The sacred words.  When I attended Deena Metzger’s Council in Topanga in January of 2008 – my meditations brought to me the concept of “Sacred Words,” the medicine for my suffering — for the suffering of all people.  While I didn’t understand the power then of those messages from Spirit, I certainly have a better grasp of them now.

Our words, thoughts, songs, music – has meaning beyond the simple statement or stanza….

They have power, energy, vibration…  They have the power to heal and the power to kill, even when a physical blow is not a part of them.

Words are Sacred.  How we use them and to what intention or purpose we give them is something we need to think about more often than we do.

My words are Sacred.  What rolls off my tongue, or floats through my mind or even gets put onto the page of my book…becomes powerful.  What is the nature of that power?  Will they be healing words or will they cause more war and division?

I do not always choose my words carefully.  I see the misuse of power some days.  I see that some fear or feeling of lack in me causes me to abuse my Sacred Words.  I derive from the archangel realm of Kamiel – the realm of light, power and energy.  Magic in vibration.

We Kamielites are here to teach the right use of power.  Our journeys often include many instances of the wrong use of power – either by ourselves or by others so we learn the lessons of True Power.

Our healing is transformative and our power is obvious.  Sometimes Kamielites are intimidating to others – after all we have not been in our power much in these societies in which we exist.  It is scary to take the reins of personal power and be truly in sync with who we are.

As artists and visionaries, we are gifted with words, song, music, dance, painting skill…We have sacred art at our disposal to communicate through a medium for others so they may process that which they do not understand.  We hold great power.

Are we using our skill for Sacred Purpose?  Are we thinking of WE instead of I?

These are the questions we must ask ourselves as we hold our ground in our artistry.  Are we being sacred even to our gifts?  Or are we at odds, even with our own selves – banishing our creative potential into a six figure job that “pays the bills” while our hearts languish or abusing our temple with drugs, alcohol, food…simply to avoid the suffering.

The suffering of our world is sometimes overwhelming.  But it is our job to FEEL it…and embrace it rather than tune out.  When we embrace and feel the suffering, then we have power within that avoiding suffering dissolves.  We have the power to discover the Sacred Medicine in our Story.

The one TRUTH that enables us to change all things is our personal Sacred Medicine.  It is not a small thing for me to use my words.  Words for me are Sacred entities.  They change things for the better or the worst.

If I misuse my Sacred Words in a moment of anger, I can feel once again the deep bite of suffering.  My own body rebels in tears and sweat.  When I say something meaningful in the moment it is called for, a great opening occurs.  A healing moment.

My words are healing even as I write them.  I lost my Belovéd Teebo – familiar and companion on Veteran’s Day – 11/11.  A day of opening into the power of Sacred Love.  There are no coincidences.  The day marks the ascension for me into the deep bond of love we shared and also the ability he provided through his healing gift of self-love.  I did not know that gift before our meeting.  I know it now.

What is the power that you hold within – that untapped healing power – of the Sacred?  What is your Sacred Medicine that heals all things?

Matthew Hansen, venerable San Francisco based blues guitarist rocked Blakes in Berkeley on Friday July 31^st.

For anyone following Matthew’s burgeoning career – you may have noticed his amazing growth as a musician and songwriter in the last year alone and for others new to his music, what a treat!

Matthew’s songs are inspirational forays into the heart of his soul. He said on Twitter ( www.twitter.com/matthewjhansen ) recently that he hopes you know him a bit better by listening to his songs. I certainly feel like I know him better each time I attend one of his shows and more importantly get his music into my blood. It feels that way sometimes, listening to Matthew’s songs – that they indeed hit you in such a deep way that they become a part of you. His powerful vocals and biting guitar licks penetrate the skin and tear at the heart in a way few musicians dare.

Also in attendance Friday were guitarists Dave Rude and James DePrato – both of which played songs with Matthew adding additional dimensions to an otherwise stellar set.

Starting the night off was Danilo Lopez and Friends – and for those of you who haven’t heard Danilo play and sing – you are really missing out here. A new group for me was the John Howland Trio. John played an exceptional set of very eclectic tunes I thoroughly enjoyed.

One thing you can be sure of with the San Francisco scene is the tight community and pure vibe. Everyone is there to participate in a ritual of music whether they play or are there to listen. It’s like family and the feeling is familiar and safe. I made a recent trip to Minneapolis, Minnesota to introduce myself and see a world outside the usual and so Matthew Hansen was sure to give me his signature hug and a big “Welcome Home!” A girl certainly can’t beat that…music & love – that’s what it’s all about.

Catch Matthew Hansen on MySpace – www.myspace.com/mjhansen