Friday, I got the bug to go to Voltage, the MNFashion Week kick-off at First Avenue.  I had been thinking about it for weeks but held off on buying a ticket until the last minute.  I hopped on Jazzy’s 10-speed and wound my way down to the train station – yes, it’s quite far – to add money to my Go Card so I could get around that night.

This exercise in not having a car and using only public transport sure has been interesting.  I have a ZipCard too but so far everywhere I need to go I’ve taken the bus or train.  I wonder, though how feasible this plan will be in the dead of winter.  Of course, I am probably not the only one without a car in the Twin Cities so if other people can do it, so can I, I reason.  Besides, it’s almost summer and winter is a long way away.

Biking down Lake St West is easier said than done.  Minnesota laws may allow for a bike to take up a full lane of traffic but in practice, you’re likely to get run over.  The cars whizzed by me as I teetered on the 10-speed, which I realized too late didn’t have handlebar breaks.  The one gear is also a bit tight.  The 10-speed thing is just “in theory if the bike was set-up to switch gears.”

I made it to the midtown station and back then headed down Lyndale to Treehouse records.  Somehow, I’d manifested the tickets still being at the record shop.  “Wow, usually First Avenue picks up the tickets much earlier,” the cashier says to me.  There was a man right behind me who wanted the same thing – a single ticket to Voltage.  Weird.

Jazzy, who runs the Twin Cities Radio and an apartment building in uptown, has been my saving grace in the cities so far.  He offered a place to stay; lets me borrow his crazy bike and hands out sage advice on surviving here.  He’s very clued in about the music scene, the best places to hang out and we can talk for hours about nothing in particular while he chain smokes.  What more could a girl ask for in this adventure?

If I had my own apartment right away I’d miss out on the advice and the opportunity to crack jokes about Jazzy’s eating habits (he shops at the local ez-mart and I shop at The Wedge.)

I catch the 4 into town and enter the long line on 7^th street where all the fashionistas are patiently waiting for the First Avenue doors to open.  Since we’re fashionable, we’re also cold.  The girls who stand behind me in short dresses and sandals are shivering to death while waxing lyrical about the perspective which allows such an evening to be possible – “At least it’s an early spring in Minnesota and it’s not 30 below right now as is usual for this time of year.”  Yes, quite.

We finally enter First Avenue with the anticipation of school girls on an outing.  I separate from my line mates and start scoping the venue to see what’s happening.  The difference between tonight and all the other times I have been here is the long stage which has been erected in the middle of the dance floor replete with VIP section.

When a dude sporting a walky-talky came asking if any of us shivering folks were VIPs we joked in line.  I told the girls next to me we’d be VIPs next year so we could avoid waiting in line.  They laughed through chattering teeth but I think I am serious.  I head over to the area of the club reserved for merchandise.

I see well-heeled folks perusing the racks of designs from the show.  The idea of wearing these clothes is quite appealing.  My seasonal position at Baby Gap allowed me to shop The Gap and Banana Republic at a significant discount, vastly improving my wardrobe but these racks are clearly many steps ahead of even those fashion statements.  I pick-up a very odd bracelet and think – I know it’s cool, if I were someone else.  After all, taste is personal as well as collective, right?

I have been reading L’Etoile Magazine blogs and Facebook posts for months.  I am eagerly anticipating finding out who the people are behind the headlines.  I particularly enjoy the LOL/OMG blog pages titled “Gossip from the Seedy Underbelly of the Twin Cities Social Media Circuit.”  It’s hard to imagine that the Twin Cities has a seedy underbelly consisting of anyone in this room.   It’s way too fashionable for one.

I wind my way over to stage left and locate myself at the foot of the long stage right next to the photogs.  Little did I know that I would end up being able to take good photos from that angle (at least I think they are good).  I was more concerned at the time with being able to see the bands clearly.  Go figure.

As the house lights dimmed for the first band, “Blue Sky Blackout,” and I watched the VIPs take their seats, I was struck by how cool it was that I was actually in attendance.  I’d dreamed about such things ever since I started realizing through my Facebook connects that Minneapolis had it going on in a way that made it clear to me that I just had to be there – all the time.

The highlights for me of this evening of song and fashion included the feisty songstress Mayda, the sweet fashions of Danielle Everine – at least one of her ensembles I covet and want to wear – and the sea of people all around, dressed in their own unique styles and representing the fun and eclectic nature of the Twin Cities social scene.  I am in love with all of it.

Each of the designers and bands had something to offer and all were inspiring.  Whether you agreed with their design sense or not, you couldn’t help but feel you’d be forever changed by the experience of knowing these folks had worked hard at taking inspiration into reality.  I know the process – I published a book on the 31^st of December.  I knew I was in the midst of kindred spirits.

The Voltage Fashion after party at OM Restaurant was equally as thrilling.  I found myself strangely ravenous at midnight after the show, and wolfed down some tasty morsels presented on the after hours menu.  The beef kebabs were flavorful as were the French fries presented in a cone shaped basket with just a hint of spice.  Bach Pham spun records on the first floor while Voltage attendees filtered in from the chilly night to drink cocktails, dance in the empty fountain and finish off Voltage 2010 with a bang.

The bouncers had trouble herding us diehards out of the fountain as we bumped and grinded to various tunes, some dancing with glasses of wine in hand sloshing about dangerously like a wind tossed boat.  By the time I got to sleep at 3am, I felt like my initiation into the seedy underbelly of Twin Cities society was complete.  Now will any of the photos I took from the base of the fashion stage qualify for entry into the LOL/OMG blog pages? 

The view from Dunn Bros on the corner of Bryant and Lake in uptown affords a certain insight into the nature of the city.  Somalis in full headdress walk confidently in groups past my window and only a few seconds later, a dancer walks by with face glitter and short shorts.

Last night, a performer from the Bryant-Lake theater crossed W Lake Street wearing cutout paper wings and a bird beak hat.  I have also noticed the large number of bicycle shops and bicycles.  People are most definitely enjoying the wonderful spring weather in Minneapolis.  A hard winter has left them eager to burst forth like spring buds full of energy and fervor.

I hear from my friends in California that the spring there is wet and wild with storms.  The reservoirs will fill up and there will be little talk of droughts this year, I am certain.  The political gambit used to justify water rate increases will be hard-pressed to sound legitimate after such a wet couple weeks.

Friday night, I attended the crowded First Avenue, on a whim, only to discover that the band that night was the venerable “Trampled with Turtles.”  If the band name isn’t cool enough, their full band style bluegrass transplanted me squarely into a barn raising party of a more modern sort.  My energy was low that night, after the wine party at Nectar in Osseo.

Nectar is a new wine bar located on main street.  The owner Kevin and the bar manager, Justin put on a great show that night with the added bonus of a visit by the Barnett Winery winemaker, David Tate.  His locutions on his philosophy and style were most intriguing and his wines flat out the best I have tasted in a long time.  I could tell that David was a man who puts a lot of love and attention into his craft.

Kevin did an excellent job too of pairing the wines with the food courses ranging from a scallop over avocado touched with just the right amount of hot sauce to a succulent and beautifully tender braised short rib.  I was full and happy at the end of it.  If you reside in the Twin Cities, it may seem like a trek to go all the way to Osseo for wine and food but DO IT ANYWAY is my recommendation.

Back to Minneapolis.  I attended the First Avenue show and then slid into the newly revamped “Record Room”, formally the VIP room, for the after show DJ set.  Loved he wall mural and new décor and hope they do more.

Heading to the Record Room is always fun especially when ones motto is “there is just never enough dancing.”  A group of someones who weren’t even there to listen to or dance to the music, it seems, held court in the back of the room smoking a joint and stinking up the place something awful.

I really wish people didn’t do that with the supreme unconsciousness that the rest of us care to smell it or breathe it in.  I realize that pot smokers will leverage a stream of justification for lighting up on the dance floor but for those of us who neither smoke tobacco or pot, the smell is unwelcome.  That’s my soap box and I am sticking to it.  Go outside!!

The rest of the weekend was spent lazily walking Lake Street and Hennepin to get to know my new position.  I got a tarot reading with Amanda at Eye of Horus Metaphysical Bookstore and she hit all the major points.

Seems I am exactly where I need to be and the rest will start falling into place.  This may seem like it would be easy to say to anyone but I know she’s right because it concurs with not only my own intuition about things but also some of the channel work I did in the last few weeks.

I also got to go shopping at The Wedge co-op.  The healthy foods and even healthier vibe is exactly what I needed to start feeling more at home in Minneapolis.  And home, it seems, it is beginning to be.  Who would have known such a thing from my original blogs from last July when I was just visiting to attend the Attitude City Yacht party.

As I build my business here and build my life, I will try to stay out of trouble *cough cough*…er, ya.  While I search for work and build my business, I am enjoying the experience of just being.  This is a rare thing sometimes in a world centered on “doing” as the major modus operandi.

As artists and visionaries we may find ourselves feeling guilty for meandering and experiencing.  We can become jaded and blocked by other people’s expectations and projections.  It’s often good to take a step back and realize that good art comes directly from being IN IT…In the experience of life.

I find that from my table at Dunn Bros I can produce my connections and my writing with the hubbub of life in the Twin Cities going on around me.  It’s a beautiful thing.  Wherever you are on this planet, there are places you can experience rather than do.  There are methods such as Julia Cameron’s (The Artist’s Way) suggested “morning pages” to release all the projections and negativity.  You can BE wherever you are and in the end your art and visions will be best served.

I’ve been in Minneapolis/ St. Paul since March 1^st.  I came to see if I could move my project of relocating along on its stalwart path.  The first week, I signed up with my agencies in downtown Minneapolis and looked forward to the process of them working on my behalf to find me somewhere to set my hat.

I have been staying in Osseo this time.  Osseo is an outer suburb of the Twin Cities – a small town with old world character.  The downtown was redeveloped with sidewalks but the shops are not as inviting as one would hope – still there are some highlights.

I went to Duffy’s Bar and Grill in downtown Osseo, Monday.  A long bar with food and good cheer, you know instantly you aren’t in a big city.

The ladies with the Minnesota pull tabs sit behind their neon signs and stare outward waiting for the few patrons who wish to spend their time nursing a beer and pulling the tabs to see if they have won the big prize.

I can just see the hoping and wishing that leads to someone spending hard earned money on paper tabs in the bar, maybe imagining how their lives will be different if all goes well for them – this time.

I met Jazzy J, the owner of Twin Cities Radio www.twincitiesradio.net and a local music man on the night of my arrival.  He invited me to the Whiskey Junction on Cedar in Minneapolis for one of his live broadcast shows.

While the show was sparsely attended, it seems the music had purpose and muscle, especially one of the later bands to perform called “The Notties,” whose heavy rock licks were tight and too the point.  We all enjoyed them immensely and I hope to catch them again as I get to know the local scene.

I hit the ground running with my Akashic Record reading and clearings too – Pat, Jessi’s Mom had found me two clients who’d been waiting since the last time I was in town for their readings.  Then we had some work to do restoring spirit guides who were inadvertently cleared during a healing (not mine, someone else’s) and a few other readings and clearings followed.

I met new healers at the Restore Expo at The Depot in downtown Minneapolis Sunday March 7th and got some healing done on me too that day, which was particularly powerful.  I’m looking forward to continuing to try new healing modalties as well as forge ahead with additional rolfing sessions – I had session one before I left home for MSP and it really helped my chronic shoulder pain.

Jazzy and I plan another evening Thursday March 11^th – music, burgers and a long night of talking perhaps?  Jazzy is eager to help me find my footing here in the creative scene and what a scene it is…no end of music, art, mayhem.  I love it.

Jessi and I still have a little work to do on my site to get it humming and working for the end of the month when we will be vendors at The MN Shadows Faire in St. Paul.  The fair will be located at the historic Mounds Theater there and I will be signing books and conducting reduced cost readings for the people attending the event.

If you are in the St. Paul area, you should most definitely come between the hours of 12pm and 6pm March 27/28^th – check out my book, say hello and get a reading from me if you haven’t gotten one already.

I volunteered at the Dance Your Heart Out fundraiser held at the Mall of America on Saturday March 6^th.  I spent the whole day there, helping with the people coming on and off the stage, monitoring the timing of the events and schlepping performers from the Blue Room staging grounds to the rotunda where they were to perform.

The event raised awareness and funding for children and families dealing with HIV/ AIDS and for One Heartland, a children’s summer camp program.

I got to meet all kinds of interesting folks including Jonathan Bennett who MC’d most of the day as well as a host of local and national dance troupes.  I enjoyed being involved and hope to do it again next year.

If you want to check into this yourself and make a donation you still can – the website is www.danceyourheartout.org and the dancer that I was supporting was Kari Dornfeld.

The move to the Midwest continues to take shape.  I can’t believe I have come so far since that initial visit in July of last year.  I wasn’t expecting to enjoy the Twin Cities so much that I actually took action to move here – but moving here I am.

It’s amazing how things fall into place when they are meant to be.  Despite the ups and downs and tribulations I wrote about in my blogs on “Starving Artist Syndrome,” the lessons I learned and the shifts I made have enabled me to see money in a completely different light.

It’s not impossible to move your mind into a place of flow and abundance and do it in such a way that it changes the way you feel about everything.  If you are still struggling to really manifest your dreams and desires, there are plenty of resources.

I will continue to write about my own journey in the creative arts. I will add resources and support to this site as it builds and grows and eventually we hope to have a physical center where you can get the healing and support you need to achieve your dreams.  One day and one step at a time.  We grow together.

Quite a weekend folks, if I say so myself.  Seems the consensus is in and 2009 either “sucked”, “was a bad year” or “was hard/difficult/up and down” – whatever the descriptor you used, I haven’t heard that 2009 was anything but a year people were glad to see the back of!

Now that we can agree on this (for the most part), it seems people have high hopes for 2010.  I for one feel that the energy is rocking and moving and shaking – literally and figuratively.  In California, we had some earthquakes this past week, some of us are planning literal moves sometime this year and most people see change (in a good way) in 2010.

Friday evening was kicked off in style, with the return of Matthew Hansen to the stage at Blake’s in Berkeley, California.  Much later, when we write Matthew’s biography about his early years in the music business we will most definitely be adding Blake’s as one of his early “homes.”  Seems Matthew is well-loved EVERYTIME he plays there.

Matthew has been working hard on his material – we know of him as none other than a consummate showman and hard-working guitarist.  He has put considerable time into honing his craft and it shows, of course.

He is slowly working on his first album project, all eagerly anticipated by his adoring fans, his music producers and the people who have worked on the record in some physical capacity.  I know from personal experience these labors of love take WAAYYYY more time than you ever thought and the year you think it’s going to be done is usually well-underestimated.

Still, having wrapped up production on my own collection of short stories and poetry, which I began as an idea in 2005 I know the feeling and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am now in the very beginnings of the promotion phase with my project – you do get there in the end!  Working diligently and never giving up is my motto for artists everywhere….you will get there.  Whenever Matthew does release his record – we’ll be waiting.

I understand that the cover photo for the artwork was taken Friday – a group shot involving some lovely ladies and dare I say it?  A crotch grab.    Ok, well…maybe he can include that one in the liner notes.

I continued my weekend by attending an all women “Moon Lodge” in San Jose with my book editor Mika.  We both performed our co-creation ritual with the group, met some lovely ladies and established our desire for spirit in all of you in 2010.  I found it very nurturing and beautiful, if not a bit daunting.  After all, I tend to be a lone ranger with my creations…coming into a sacred space and spilling my heart desires out has always been a bit nuts for me.  Still I am at peace and between my vision board and my powerful rituals to start off 2010 I am feeling that great vibe even more.  Plus, the power of one mind is certainly increased when a group is holding your vision sacred too!

Here I go out in the world with my creations – a new website forming around this blog, a move in the works to another state, no less and my book.  What are your creations, wishes and endeavors for 2010?  Go out and make them possible.  If you need help holding a vision – let me know – it’s one of my favorite things to do!

I made it through the holidays without bouncing checks (ie incurring an overdraft fee).  I must admit this new relationship to money feels great, although I felt uneasy, like being on new training wheels.  Am I doing this right, I asked?  And the Universe responded with an awesome sense of feeling supported in this endeavor.  That’s the key here – feeling supported.

I opened my new Wells Fargo savings account on New Year’s Eve.   I wanted to get that out of the way before the holiday and have it set-up for this week so I can put my checks in.  The employers can do direct deposit but my clients can’t always pay electronically.

I am much more eager to know exactly how much is in my account and how it’s all being posted.  That means looking almost daily at my accounts.  How does this leave me feeling?  I think the word I’d use is “empowered” which is definitely how I felt the energy shift into 2010.

If you aren’t there yet, don’t worry – plenty of resources around here to help you get started.

This week I will be able to finish closing out my Chase bank accounts.  While they did remove that one overdraft charge, as promised, I simply don’t trust them anymore to hold my money.  I realize that my new habits would prevent some of the same issues that occurred before, and yet, I feel much more confident I won’t backslide (or they won’t post in weird ways) as a customer of another bank!

For some immediate help with your money this year, check out Morgana Rae’s Financial Alchemy workbook and financial empowerment products at http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/?af=1102231

Obtain her Financial Alchemy workbook – one I have been using for 3 years now to organize your planning for 2010 – it is a unique process that Morgana takes you through during the year and it primes your mind and changes your relationship to and thoughts about money. It’s an excellent tool.

The workbook and CD have been invaluable assets and my mindset has changed dramatically since I started, I do not think I’d have this blog or other aspects of my business in place – including my coaches training – without Morgana’s help and guidance.  I’m happy to be a Financial Alchemy affiliate, as well.

The holiday season has come and gone and we’re in a new decade.  I let go of so much at the end of last year and I bet you did too.  I think of it as “cleaning house” even if my house is my own mind.

I dealt with deep feelings of grief over the loss of my dog and as each new step of working with money differently came to fruition, so did all the hidden feelings I was keeping down and expressing through poor money management!  Yes, we express feelings through our money and the way we speak about it and how our bank accounts look directly reflect those feelings we aren’t dealing with.

I finished my 2010 Magic and Manifestation Board – a vision board of images and words that express to me what I want to bring forward this year.  I started the process last year with great results – many of the images I had posted came true in the course of 2009!

This year I plan for some BIG things – moving to Minneapolis/ St. Paul is top on my list.  I have enjoyed my trips so much that I really see myself both working my business and living my life in the twin cities.  I am not sure exactly how this is going to take place, yet but I trust that my mind and my vision will get me there in the easiest and quickest way possible!

I hope 2010 brings you great things in your art and visions.  May we move away from “Starving Artists” and become whole, creative and thriving ones instead!

Two things happened today – I caught my old bank, Chase red-handed with that thing I knew they were doing but couldn’t prove they were doing AND my direct deposit was moved to the new bank, giving me even more leverage.

Last week’s move to become less vague and more on top of my financial picture paid off handsomely even though it wasn’t quite in the way I had pictured it.

What happened, you ask?

I developed that Excel spreadsheet that tracks my week’s income and expenses in a colorful and dynamic way.  I was able to visualize easily for the first time my budget to expense ratios and know exactly on a minute by minute basis what I have in the accounts.  I’m finding it fun instead of laborious and my inner child likes the use of color…

Because I had not been spending any money in the last month, paying off that humongous overdraft, I had finally caught up with the online exchange of money to purchases.  I went into Quicken, updated manually because Chase had done something weird to the system and I could no longer download onto the old version of Quicken.  I was able to get my online balance and my Quicken balance to match exactly – something that I hadn’t been able to do in months!

Everything I had paid for was input, the charges had stopped and the money flow was exact to the penny.  I then began the process of switching banks – this was easy as INGDirect is so well set-up and easy to use and you can open a checking account online with as much money as you want to put in there to start.  Granted, it is not a bank where you can make manual deposits but since most of my income comes from direct deposit, it works, for now.  I will need some sort of manual deposit account though in the future.

I had some expenses to go through last week and had about $40 left for the weekend before my next paycheck.  Making these adjustments, I believe led to me lose the contract I had with my last position during the same week I had been beginning my new program.  Why do I say this?   All of this work is shifting “energy” in the form of money and time.  When I started to shift into living from a heart level in my banking and beliefs around money, it shifted my situation at work too.

Normally, this might seem like a huge set back, however, I hadn’t been happy in that position for some time.  The atmosphere was draining and the negative emotions surrounding the place had been affecting my moods so much I often came home angry and upset.  This was not the place for me!

My seasonal job at BabyGap has turned into my only source of income for the time being but I am much happier – go figure!

In the end, I spent a little here and there over the weekend and then had an unexpected expense crop up.  I had planned to pay my $106 Verizon bill the following Tuesday but found the phone cut off during an important situation on Saturday, when I basically needed my phone operational.  I made the informed decision to make this one time charge, knowing it would go through on the overdraft.

I knew I was almost out of cash – well, I guess one charge going over couldn’t be that bad – at least it would be reasonable to pay off and then close the account right?

Come Tuesday, my paycheck went through to my new bank – good news!

When I went to the Chase account to see what happened with that one charge – my jaw dropped as I was now not $95 overdrawn with one $33 overdraft charge – but overdrawn to a total of $264!

Upon further investigation of this, I found that all the charges I had made – starting Friday night – $2.55 for a Starbucks Mocha and then the few things from Saturday – $4.10 at Peets, $20.20 at Union76 & $8.55 at the pharmacy….totaling a measly $32.85 – still remaining under balance…had gone through AFTER the Verizon bill – which was made last!!!

This enabled the account to go under first and achieve a whopping FIVE overdraft charges totaling $165.

Nice one Chase…nice one.

Yes, it is happening…and on purpose.  I’m not crazy!

The BIG difference this week – my income – money coming in DID NOT go to pay this overdraft debacle…

Even more satisfying – I have the receipts and the evidence needed to walk into Chase and ask them WTH is going on with their posting scheme.

Also, since I have been posting these blogs, I already feel the tide turning –even if ever so slowly.  Friends of mine feel much more empowered in handling their cash and the banks….you go people!

What’s next?  I am actively pursuing leads for positions in start-up companies where I feel most comfortable working – in family-like environments.  I am still working for the agency although with the holidays may not hear back from them until the New Year.  BabyGap, is a great part-time job.  I’m also continuing to build The Malevolent Empress – the book is awaiting cash for the distribution and potential coaching clients show up all the time.

My coaching skills are excellent – I move people from point A to point Z and they dynamically change their lives – I have seen it happen and I enjoy the work.  Eventually, this will be what I do fulltime.  In the meantime, I am learning how to eradicate starving artist syndrome permanently and forever from our vocabulary!

It’s freezing in my office.  I need an extra sweater but didn’t even think to put it on this morning.   I was stuck thinking ahead to tonight when I train on the register at my seasonal retail position.  I feel out of time and out of sorts.

Last night, I created the most beautiful and dynamic Excel spreadsheet I’ve seen in a long time – the purpose, to easily monitor and track my budget to spending ratios.

I’ve used Quicken for years and always reconciled my register.  Still, this did not stop me from losing complete control of my finances – oh, who’s kidding whom, here – I never had real control…

Now, with Mom over my shoulder we looked at my loan payments due and the upcoming bills, along with the income currently in the account and made choices about what to pay, how much and when.  In the end, it left me with hardly anything until the next paycheck but we knew cashflow would be tight while I paid off two month’s worth of bills and set my new checking account up with IngDirect.

Just having Mom over my shoulder was uncomfortable; I was opening a boundary I’d heretofore kept shut.  I had to give up my illusion of control to move forward and bringing Mom in to help with my financial situation was the choice that made the most sense.

My dreams last night came hard and fast.  What did I dream about?  I dreamt I was running around trying to find answers for “why?”  It’s true that in the last few months I have had a series of dreams involving a particular person where I was “searching” for him in various locations and circumstances.  I eventually would find him or “catch up” with him and a great love spilled forth.

I am not speaking of “romantic” love here…I find that people all too often like to reduce the vibration of “love” by making it sexual.   It’s uncomfortable for many people to see LOVE as an energetic paradigm and love energy as something that flows freely amongst people.  The term “unrequited” love makes me cringe – what the hell does that mean anyway?

It is used to refer to a situation in which one person loves and the other does not return the affection, as though love for loves sake is irrelevant or loving is somehow bad.

Wouldn’t it be more relevant to see that someone who blocks the flow of love in their life is the one who is unrequited inside.

Love and sex are two different things.  At the soul level, love is the energy force that moves EVERYTHING…it’s not just a cause for romance.  Our soul level contracts and agreements are vital to our spiritual growth and development. Love does not die and is not represented by one person or situation.  Love returns to us again and again.  The only thing that ever makes us feel we don’t have it – is our disconnection to source energy.

When someone physical in our life blocks the flow of love by making it about them – the feeling of “unrequited” or “break-up” is the feeling we have when we sense that the flow of love has been restricted or blocked.  We momentarily choose to become disconnected from source at the moment of impact.  It feels like dying – at least it does to me, as I have a heightened awareness of love energy.

Back to the dream – last night I was calling psychics and running around asking “why?”  I was finding no answers.  I called the friend who left without saying goodbye recently.  When he picked up the phone, he was happy to hear from me.  I felt instantly relieved.  I asked him why he had left so suddenly.  In the dream he tells me that he felt an exceeding amount of pressure to “commit” to love and it wasn’t for him and he’d rather just go around not caring that deeply about anything or anyone.  Then he said something that was garbled either by the phone connection or his not speaking clearly. I said, “What?”  He hung up on me!

I knew then that the answers would not come from him either.  He had nothing to provide in the dream, neither did any of the psychics or psychologists or gurus.  The answer to this question of “why?” was not one they could answer.  This was about my relationship to Spirit and no one else could do the work for me.  I was on my own with the Goddess and she and I had some stuff to work out.

This is the issue that is up for us now.  The starving artist is not just starving for money.  Money just represents the energy of life. If the energy of life is cut off, and the energy is Love, then the logical next step question is:  Why am I blocking the flow of love in my life?

Why is my friend playing the part of the unrequited, blocked heart?  What’s the worst thing you can do – leave without saying goodbye — as though the friendship and the love and shared history mean nothing?

If we are co-creating here – I have to ask myself why this result?  Why now?  I am facing the worst feelings that surround the lack of money flow and prosperity in my life — my very own disconnection of source energy that I have carried like a rock for how long now – lifetime after lifetime?

I repeat the same story over and over.  The friend leaves without saying goodbye.  I never get resolution.  I die.  We start over again.

Do you ever feel this way?

And how the hell am I going to change this Story so there is a happy ending?  If I am here to help creative artists and visionaries live in empowered Love – with flow persistent in all aspects of creativity and prosperity –then I need to change this old Story.   I must take my empress sword and cut through the illusion of what, in the end, has time after time blocked the flow of love.

I just can’t do it alone.  This Story is a collective vision.  We must change the vision together.  Tell a new story.

Back to the dream (the one I haven’t had yet), this time I run into my friend on the street– he does not hang up or run; he is receptive to a conversation.  He is not running from me and I am not searching.  We are both healed within ourselves.  Flow is persistent and actionable.  We go grab a drink at a place with great live music.  The music flows within us too, finally.  He’s stopped running from Love and accepts its flow in his life. I’ve stopped blocking love and my bank account is reflecting that.   I can pay for the drinks.

We are neither of us Starving Artists.  We do not gamble or fritter our resources.  We are truly within our power.  People around us feel it and feel much safer.  The musician playing is making a living at his art.   People see my friend and I together and wonder if we are a couple or married.  What they think doesn’t matter.

It’s more important that True Love is not named or just about a contract or a box that makes people comfortable.  It flows and IS without restriction.

We live in prosperous flow in the Universal Energy of source.

This is NOT a fantasy.  It is not a joke or something I just say to be funny.  I believe it’s possible this can be TRUE and is TRUE.

Let’s make it happen – Together.

This week marks the end of the horrendous overdraft and the beginning of what’s next?

My feelings have surfaced about money and continue to surface and I am dealing with all of this in a multi-dimensional way.  I think it’s the only way to change ones relationship to money.

The Universe is responding to these changes by bringing up issues of responsibility and conflict.

I am conflicted about what’s going to happen Wednesday when I get paid and I actually have some of my paycheck left in my Chase account.  My old M.O. would be to not think much on it or think that it wasn’t going to be enough and try to pay as many bills as possible.  I would leave just enough and then find out I wanted to meet a friend for dinner where I’d spend the rest of it.

Then Chase would find a way of spending into next week’s paycheck with payments coming in just in the right timing to be overdrawn…

I had no real power, I only thought I did.  Classic starving artist syndrome – Why? Because now I could be angry that my book wasn’t getting published and the world didn’t support my upward mobility as an artist.  I wouldn’t say this out loud or even to myself but I think it’s what was seething under the surface.

Last month I paid no bills myself.  I am doubled up on just about everything.

Still, I am working through my feelings of deprivation and don’t want to discount that some meetings and choices may be good for me to balance with just the bill paying.  In addition, I have to take the long-term approach with the shift from one mind-set to another.

Wednesday I will open an account at a different bank other than Chase, requiring me to spend some of the paycheck just to open the new account.  On Friday, I’ll be able to fax in my direct deposit change form along with my timecard and that process will be on its way.  I won’t cover every bill and won’t avoid every debt collector call but at least I’ll be on my way to taking my power back.

I start the 2^nd job at Baby Gap on Monday as well, when I attend their 4 hour training.  I wish my business was in a place to sustain me but it is not.  The abundance and shift point will need to come from these other areas for a time while I continue to set-up otherwise successful networks and finish my book project.

My book is the closest it’s ever been to actual publication.  I simply have to purchase the ISBN number and complete the distribution process.  After I do this, which may require a week or two, the book will be published on the Amazon and Barnes & Noble listings – which will take another eight weeks to filter through their approval processes.

I couldn’t say the same thing last year at this time.

This time last year, I couldn’t travel anywhere, didn’t have a passport and spent the holidays chatting online because no one was around to share them with.

Improvements have been made – passport is ready to go, I am publishing my blog on my own website and I just helped a good friend move to a better living situation yesterday.  If she can have her own place, so can I.  I have also traveled twice to Minneapolis this past year and once to LA.  Not so shabby really.

I have been watching Abraham-Hicks on http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php

Esther Hicks channels Abraham and it’s been fascinating to watch the video clips.  She spoke in one of the clips about how we avoid the vortex – the energy of complete co-creation – by making it both hard work and by doubting the possibility of doing it at the same time.

I decided to play with the concept of something being available to me anytime I was ready by stepping into the Vortex.  When I let my mind go, I found my ego right there giving me strange signals of – oh that’s a nice video and all but, that won’t happen to you that easily and a sinking feeling that it would be far too easy and she must be lying to me.

I see.  I can see clearly and feel it, even.  I have to sense the Vortex and be willing to jump and so far, I’ve been hanging on the edge.  Well, folks, I think I am just about sick of holding on and listening to that voice.  What’s next?

I’ve been thinking about the nature of money and finances lately.  I am working on changing my relationship to money in some pretty dramatic ways…

The creative artist set is often heavily entrenched in “starving artist” syndrome.  If money and our relationship to it relates to our emotions, we are clearly collectively not thinking too highly of ourselves.

Maybe we are more sensitive than others to the way of things.  We create our work in whatever medium from feeling into and expressing the energies that swirl around us.  And the world is going through financial upheaval right now.

Still, it seems that many artists never rise above living paycheck to paycheck.  They often never make a living at their art – instead working jobs that drain them or take too much time to really allow for full artistic expression.

Like a lot of change, my shift came at the hand of some immediate drama that propelled me to face old habits and the direction those habits were taking me.  I’d tried unsuccessfully to master the art of money management instead winging it or using methods that seemed to work for everyone else but not for me.

The first thing that shifted this pattern into view was the change from the defunct WAMU to Chase Bank earlier this year.  Just about the time they were changing the signs on the building, they began changing the way they handled the accounts. At first it was sinking realization that there was less money in my account than usual or what I thought should be there was not.

Even when I managed my Quicken – I couldn’t get the two accounts to match correctly.  It became a battle of time and my wits.  Then I had to travel to Minneapolis to further my business goals there.  I survived on the will of the angels with the breath of the devil down my back (and I don’t even believe in the devil!).

I returned home only to discover the overage on my account had blossomed from a few hundred to over a thousand overnight.  The illusions of self-determination and having a handle on my money crumbled.

I’m now in a program run by own mother that includes a spending plan, a change in banks, and a close monitoring of every penny I spend.  Except, because I’ve had to work three weeks to pay off my overdraft I still haven’t gotten to close my Chase account.  It will happen however, but not before those guys get a piece of my mind.

I have been chatting with people of all shapes and sizes, many of them artists on the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle, and all of us are suddenly finding our former WAMU accounts blasted with overage charges and late postings on paychecks and deposits. And from my conversations, Chase is not the only bank pulling these crazy shenanigans.

They may not admit to this publically, but for those of us in this position, it’s clear they are doing it on purpose to pay for the mortgage crises or the bonuses that their top execs are making.  There is a calculated and difficult to prove shift in how they run these accounts and we are paying the price in abject poverty.

Problem is while their actions border on criminal, I can only blame my poor money management skills, in the end.  I thought I faced every unexpressed feeling from my family background and unearthed my self-determination gene – but still, something remains.

I often wonder if what remains is not just my own unexpressed fear of not being good enough and the deep shame that comes from choosing a career path that is not like the rest of my peers but that of all artists, everywhere.

Sure there are the “successful” exceptions to the rule but even those artists with money are plagued with patterns of self-abuse, relationship issues and egotistical expressions.  It’s not simply the making of and having money but the way it is used too.

Whatever the issues – they clearly need to be addressed personally and collectively in order for us to move ahead as a group.  I believe wholeheartedly we’re going to have to discuss it, bring up our deepest shameful experiences and once and for all choose to become stronger.

There is no need for an artist to be starving or not make a living.  If we are co-creating this Universe we are in, which is entirely abundant, than our litany of excuses why we aren’t making a living at our art are just that excuses.

I am not blaming anyone here or saying that your struggle is somehow just going to be better if you pump yourself full of affirmations.  This is a complex paradigm and won’t change overnight for the most of us.  If my Mom’s program of independence works, it’s still going to take me another six months to really see the benefit in its entirety.  My deep work on money and self-esteem started with my healing crises in 2002.  This was no overnight success but a series of breakthroughs leading to maybe a point of no return.

I hit bottom and finally got something I hadn’t realized before.  If I continued allowing Chase bank and my own inner child to run the show, I’d surely be stuck pushing a cart in downtown Palo Alto.  My art would amount to painting “Help” on a sign and sitting in front of the Whole Foods begging.

I put my ego and what was left of my pride to the side and asked Mom for help.  She has money and manages it wisely.  I think she has a technique.  It works.

My hope is that going forward, we’ll all be able to be fully realized and compensated artists, healers and visionaries or whatever combination thereof that you are.  I think we can do it.  We can’t do it alone.  We’ll really need to start expressing the Truth about money and our own Truth.  We have to be willing to grow-up and take responsibility.  We have to allow our creative child to help us paint or make music rather than throw a tantrum in our bank account.

I look toward a day when kids can say, “Mom, I am going to paint for a living,” without hearing something like, “Well, dear that’s an awfully hard career to make money” or, “Wow, well painting is a nice hobby honey…”

I hope you do too…

The sacred words.  When I attended Deena Metzger’s Council in Topanga in January of 2008 – my meditations brought to me the concept of “Sacred Words,” the medicine for my suffering — for the suffering of all people.  While I didn’t understand the power then of those messages from Spirit, I certainly have a better grasp of them now.

Our words, thoughts, songs, music – has meaning beyond the simple statement or stanza….

They have power, energy, vibration…  They have the power to heal and the power to kill, even when a physical blow is not a part of them.

Words are Sacred.  How we use them and to what intention or purpose we give them is something we need to think about more often than we do.

My words are Sacred.  What rolls off my tongue, or floats through my mind or even gets put onto the page of my book…becomes powerful.  What is the nature of that power?  Will they be healing words or will they cause more war and division?

I do not always choose my words carefully.  I see the misuse of power some days.  I see that some fear or feeling of lack in me causes me to abuse my Sacred Words.  I derive from the archangel realm of Kamiel – the realm of light, power and energy.  Magic in vibration.

We Kamielites are here to teach the right use of power.  Our journeys often include many instances of the wrong use of power – either by ourselves or by others so we learn the lessons of True Power.

Our healing is transformative and our power is obvious.  Sometimes Kamielites are intimidating to others – after all we have not been in our power much in these societies in which we exist.  It is scary to take the reins of personal power and be truly in sync with who we are.

As artists and visionaries, we are gifted with words, song, music, dance, painting skill…We have sacred art at our disposal to communicate through a medium for others so they may process that which they do not understand.  We hold great power.

Are we using our skill for Sacred Purpose?  Are we thinking of WE instead of I?

These are the questions we must ask ourselves as we hold our ground in our artistry.  Are we being sacred even to our gifts?  Or are we at odds, even with our own selves – banishing our creative potential into a six figure job that “pays the bills” while our hearts languish or abusing our temple with drugs, alcohol, food…simply to avoid the suffering.

The suffering of our world is sometimes overwhelming.  But it is our job to FEEL it…and embrace it rather than tune out.  When we embrace and feel the suffering, then we have power within that avoiding suffering dissolves.  We have the power to discover the Sacred Medicine in our Story.

The one TRUTH that enables us to change all things is our personal Sacred Medicine.  It is not a small thing for me to use my words.  Words for me are Sacred entities.  They change things for the better or the worst.

If I misuse my Sacred Words in a moment of anger, I can feel once again the deep bite of suffering.  My own body rebels in tears and sweat.  When I say something meaningful in the moment it is called for, a great opening occurs.  A healing moment.

My words are healing even as I write them.  I lost my Belovéd Teebo – familiar and companion on Veteran’s Day – 11/11.  A day of opening into the power of Sacred Love.  There are no coincidences.  The day marks the ascension for me into the deep bond of love we shared and also the ability he provided through his healing gift of self-love.  I did not know that gift before our meeting.  I know it now.

What is the power that you hold within – that untapped healing power – of the Sacred?  What is your Sacred Medicine that heals all things?